Elf Union Strike Threatens to Destroy Global Economy, Christmas
Threat of Elf Union Strike Looms over North Pole
By Kevin J. Ryan
In the wake of the Occupy North Pole protests, economists around the world warned that the strength of the North Pole’s fragile, seasonal economy is vital to global financial stability. Now, the Elven Toymakers Union (E.T.U) is threatening a labor strike that could ruin Christmas and lead to a catastrophic global economic depression.
The North Pole was just beginning to return to normal after the NPPD arrested more than 24,000 occupiers. Abandoned tents, garbage, pixie dust pipes, drums and tinsel are still strewn around the area.
Then yesterday, E.T.U. leader Patch Muggins delivered a formal declaration of grievances to Workshop’s C.E.O. and threatened to go on strike.
Like Germany in the European Union, Santa’s Workshop, Inc. is by far the leading economic power in the North Pole. The Workshop is located, along with most of its labor force and management, in the Magical Hidden Christmas Realm. Without the uniquely skilled labor force to produce toys, the Workshop would be crippled, starting a chain reaction that would cause economic collapse for Europe, Asia and the United States.
Santa Claus, C.E.O. of Santa’s Workshop, inc., has not formally responded but seems unwilling to make any further concessions. “My Elven labor force and I have worked amicably together for many generations, building every conceivable kind of toy for good boys and girls. Now, the sense of entitlement since November is maddening. What more do they want? They are the highest-paid factory workers in the world. They only have to work four months of the year. We have the best medical and dental coverage available, and at very low cost. They just won’t stop until the North Pole ends up like Europe.”
The E.TU. disagrees. A formal list of E.T.U. demands has been made public, which are very similar to those stated by the Occupy North Pole movement:
1) Free healthcare for same-sex Elves, which is every being’s right, including dental coverage not exclusive to Hermey
2) Economic equality and an end to corporate greed
3) Independence of the Magical Hidden Christmas Realm of the North Pole from the United States and its establishment as an independent nation, rather than a United States Territory
4) Cessation of all overseas outsourcing by Santa’s Workshop, Inc.
5) MacBook Pros
6) Absolution of all Elf debt
7) Legalization of both medical and recreational pixie dust
8) Greener practices in Santa’s Workshop, including solar panels and a hybrid sleigh
9) Higher wages
10) Not to have to breathe second-hand smoke from Santa’s pipe
11) A shorter work season that runs from October 1 to January 10 (one month shorter than the current toy-making season)
12) Immediate removal of all remaining asbestos and gold tinsel from the Workshop buildings
13) Organic, healthy food options in the Workshop cafeteria during all shifts
14) Restoration and protection of the North Pole Hidden Enchanted Forest
15) An end to exorbitant bonuses for corporate fat cats, like Santa Claus
16) Open migration in and out of the Magical Hidden Christmas Realm
17) Animal rights, including immediate retirement with pay for the reindeer
18) An on-site gymnasium and Starbuck’s in the Workshop
Contributing to the region’s discontent is the tremendous rise in Elf homelessness in recent years. Mortgages on two or three-family cottages were given to Elves by Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. The Elves often did not understand the terms or were simply unable to pay them off on workingelf’s pay. Some criticized the The Elf Community Reinvestment Act of 2001 and its champion in congress, Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.). Many Elves have also been diagnosed with tinseltosis, a disease similar to black lung.
President Obama issued a brief statement on the labor showdown, which stated, “We must reach out and encourage the Elven workers to fight for what they deserve. At the same time, we cannot allow them to put the final nail in the coffin of the world economy. Clearly, the American people have elected me to do that.”
As the E.T.U’s deadline approaches, leaders, economists and children watch and hope for an agreement.